Words of Wisdom

I originally posted this on my old website in November 2002. I removed it on November 26, 2004, and reposted it on March 21, 2006. I am not the original creator; I am just sharing it.

WORDS OF WISDOM

Life is sexually transmitted.

The more confidential the memo, the more likely it will be left it the copy machine.

Never argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If you don't die from it, it's healthy.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you actually make them think, they'll hate you.

It’s not what a kid knows that bothers his parents, it’s how he found out.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

The pen is mightier than the sword – if the sword is very small, and the pen is very sharp.

That which does not kill us really messes us up.

The two biggest problems in America are making ends meet and making meetings end.

Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.

The trouble with doing nothing is that you never know when you are finished.

Money isn’t everything, but at least it encourages relatives to stay in touch.

A single fact can spoil a good argument.

Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.

Anarchy is better than no government at all.

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

To succeed in politics, it is necessary to rise above your principles.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

The world gets a little better every day, and worse in the evening.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

You can stay young forever if you live modestly, get lots of sleep, work hard, pray daily and lie about your age.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Pablo Picasso.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

You really never learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Nobody ever says “It’s only a game” when their team is winning.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Never let your willpower get the best of you.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Never trust a stock-broker who’s married to a travel agent.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Married people don’t live longer than single people. It just seems longer.

The only people with the right to yell at you have the same last name as you.

A journey of 1,000 miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Women are like small children. You bring a new one home and the ones already there resent it.

Follow your dream! Unless it’s the one where you’re at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

If you’ve seen one covered shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

Sex on television can’t hurt you – unless you fall off.

It’s not pretty being easy.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

It’s always darkest before dawn, so if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

Give a man food, and he can eat for a day. Give a man a job, and he can eat for only 30 minutes on his lunch break.

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

If something doesn’t feel right, you’re feeling the wrong thing.

Plagiarism saves time.

You’re getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

The e-mail of the species is more dangerous than the mail.

Do not drink coffee early in the morning. It’ll keep you awake until noon.

If you see an onion ring, answer it.

Eagles may soar free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.

A day without sunshine is like night.

Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.

When the chips are down, the cow is empty.

Everybody is someone else’s weirdo.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail.

If “con” is the opposite of “pro,” then Congress is the opposite of progress.

Ask not for whom the bell tolls. Let the machine get it.

Happiness is the planet Earth in your rearview mirror.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.

Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.

Regular naps prevent old age.....especially if you take them while driving.

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples!

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

Women should not have children after 35. Really...35 children are enough

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.