Death of Government Workers

I originally posted this on my old website in November 2002. I removed it on November 26, 2004, and reposted it on March 21, 2006. I am not the original creator; I am just sharing it.

OFFICE MEMORANDUM

TO: All Employees

FROM: Central Office

SUBJECT: Death of Government Workers

            1.     It has been brought to our attention that many employees are dying and refusing to fall over after they are dead.  This must stop!!  On or after 30 October 1954, any employee found sitting up after he or she is dead will be dropped from the payroll at once (i.e. within 90 days).  Where it can be proved that the employee is being supported by a typewriter, or other Government property, an additional 90 days will be granted. The following procedure will be strictly followed:

            a.     If after several hours, it is noted that the worker has not moved or changed positions, the supervisor will investigate.  Because of the highly sensitive nature of Government Employees, and the close resemblance between death and their natural working attitude, the investigation is to be made as quietly as possible so as not to disturb the employee is he is asleep.  If some doubt arises as to the true condition, extending a Government Check is a fine test.  If the employee does not reach for it immediately it may be reasonably assumed that he is dead.  In some cases, the instinct is so strongly developed however, that spasmodic clutch or reflex may be encountered, don’t let this fool you!!

            b.     In all cases, a sworn statement by the dead man must be filled out on a special form AD-8840.  Fifteen copies will be made.  Three copies are to be sent to Washington, and three go to the Deceased.  Destroy the rest.

            c.     CGEC-223-AA, Application for a Permanent Leave, must be filled out by the employee.  (Be sure to include the correct forwarding address).  If he or she cannot write, his signature must be xxxxx witnessed by two other employees, preferably alive.  Complete case by pushing the body to one side to make room for the next incumbent.

            BY AUTHORITY OF:

                                                      RIGOR MORTIS, L.S.O.P.

                                                      Chief, Sub-Division