The Onion: Front Page, 2034

A fictional future front page from The Onion in the year 2034 was published in the January 1, 2000 issue of Newsweek. It does not appear to have ever been published on the internet. I posted a version on my old website on May 5, 2005, that very closely mimicked the layout of the original. I lost that file, and I don’t have the space here to accurately recreate the layout, but I am including the content.

Front Page, 2034: Future news as reported by the popular weekly satirical Web site

the ONION

WWW.THEONION.COM MEXAMERICANADA’S FINEST NEWS SOURCE 17 NOVEMBER 2034

President Love Hewitt Threatens to ‘Totally Veto’ New Arms Bill

Above: President Love Hewitt addresses reporters at a White House press conference.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Calling the bill “like, so totally fiscally irresponsible,” President Love Hewitt announced Mon­day that she will veto the proposed Gellar-Boreanaz Arms Appropriations Act.

“I mean, there is, like, no way I am signing that bill as it currently stands,” Love Hewitt said. “As if.”     The bill, which would allocate an                                               see HEWITT page 5A

Bill Gates Denies Public's Request For Loosening Of Tracking Bracelets

MICROSOFT MOUNTAIN—Bill Gates announced Monday that he will not honor the American people's request to loosen their tracking bracelets.     “I have heard your desperate pleas, and I say ‘Nay!’” said Gates, addressing the populace from a secret underground bunker deep within Microsoft Moun­tain. “The bracelets shall remain as they have always been—fastened tightly about the left ankle of every citizen.”     Gates's edict comes on the heels of his Nov. 7 refusal to lower the cost of mandatory Windows 35 brain-chip implantation surgery. As a result of that decision, all Americans will be required to pay $11,750 for the Microsoft surgery, in addition to the standard $6,300 cost of the Windows 35 cranial software itself.     “Who dares refuse to have my operat­ing system implanted in their cerebral                                                 see GATES page 7A

Above: Bill Gates, who has decided to keep Americans' tracking bracelets “nice and tight.”

Final Tree Dies In Captivity

Above: The last tree.

SAN DIEGO—Ming Ming, the beloved ficus believed to be the last remaining tree on Earth, died Monday at the San Diego Zoo. It was 37.     “We will all miss Ming Ming very much,” said San Diego Zoo director Jes­sica Embery. “Everyone here at the zoo, visitors and employees alike, used to love to gather around this rare crea­ture's cage to watch it playfully photo-synthesize.”     Embery said the zoo had attempted to

mate the tree with other endangered species, including the northern spotted owl and the cow, but was unsuccessful.     “We did our best, but our leafy friend was unable to reproduce,” Embery said.     Trees, an oxygen-producing form of flora, once covered much of the planet's surface. They were officially declared endangered in May 2019, less than two years after it was discovered that their bark could be used in the production of                                                  see TREE page 14A

NATION Florida Capsizes Under Weight Of Elderly     TALLAHASSEE, FLA.—After years of teetering on the brink of geriatric critical mass, Florida finally capsized Monday, collapsing under the weight of its elderly populace.     Florida, which, according to the 2030 census, had a senior-citizen population of 280 million, finally caved in at approximately 2:15 p.m. EST, when Ozone Park, N.Y., retirees Sol and Myra Rosenblatt arrived in Boca Raton to live out their golden years. The Queens cou­ple added just enough weight to the state to capsize it.     Millions of mah-jongg tiles were lost                                           see FLORIDA page 10A

SPORTS Budweiser Red Sox Beat Home Depot Cubs 4-3 In World Series Opener     BOSTON —Propelled by a ninth-inning quintuple by Ken Griffey III, the Budweiser Red Sox beat the Home Depot Cubs 4-3 last night before a capacity crowd of 115,477 at Bud Dry Stadium. The victory gave the defend­ing champion Red Sox a 1-0 lead in the best-of-21 series.     "I can't tell you how excited I am," said Griffey, enjoying a delicious, frost-brewed Budweiser. "Much like the King of Beers, a hard-fought victory like this leaves a great taste in your mouth."     Home Depot took the lead early, scor­ing twice in the top of the Chevy Lumina Second Inning, but fell behind when pitcher Kentaro Kumagai surrendered a three-run homer, brought to you by All­state, The Good Hands People.                                      see BUDWEISER page 1D

NEWS China To Join In Fight Against Finland                                             see WORLD page 11B Last Building In L.A. Torn Down To Build On-Ramp                                             see NATION page 10A Local Cybergrocer E-Shot To Death In Web-Site Holdup                                                see LOCAL page 3C Newsweek’s 'Man For The New Millennium' Dies With 966 Years To Go                                               see WORLD page 4B 'Soylent Purple' Introduced                                                see FOOD page 11D

ENTERTAINMENT Damon, Affleck Fight For Custody Of Child                                               see PEOPLE page 2E Cody Gifford Buys Spooky Hilltop Motel                                               see PEOPLE page 1E SPORTS QB Smith Signs Five-Semester, $87 Million Deal With Ohio State                                         see FOOTBALL page 1D INSIDE the ONION Off-World Colonies Update…………………4A Cooking With Insects………………………..7A DNA Buy/Sell…………………………………3B Cybernetic Living……………………………..6B PepsiCorner……………………………………2C Mandatory TV Highlights…………….….….8C